Social distancing made me do it.

A belated Fashion Month piece you should be glad you’re getting at all.

Remember that episode from the Golden Years of Spongebob (1999-2004) where our titular character shatters his entire body in an extreme sledding accident and is so afraid of getting hurt again/winding up quarantined to the Iron Butt that he develops an extreme case of Agoraphobia? It’s called I Had An Accident and it’s an especially good and weird one. You know it: it’s the one with the man in the gorilla suit and the very kinky Seven Mile Spanking Machine.

Anyway, during the episode, a fear-ridden Spongebob forms an unlikely friendship with three inanimate objects he finds in his house: Chip, Penny, and Used Napkin. He also sings a little ditty which I’m sure you’ll be shocked to discover I know by heart.

“I know of a place / where you’ll never get harmed / a magical place / with magical charms. Indoors / Indoors / Indooooors!”

To get to my real, less-obnoxious point and for historical context, I’m typing this at home, in my bed on my geriatric laptop, doing my part to “social distance” in the midst of this Coronavirus pandemic. Which for the record, is no laughing matter at all: businesses and schools are shutting down, job and meal security is uncertain for many, and of course, there’s a extremely contagious virus floating around worldwide!

To slow the spread of this virus and “flatten the curve,” we’re pretty universally being told to stay home, which honestly, isn’t bad at all (at least at this point, I’m only on like day 4). It’s given me more opportunities to be nude, for one. I have less guilt about solely eating freezer meals and starting yet another new season of America’s Next Top Model (the petite season?). Also, not going out to bars and restaurants has allowed me to save money and put it toward paying off my credit card and giving back to local crisis charities (Second Harvest gives five meals to people in need for each dollar you donate).

This self-quarantining has another big perk: I’m finally buckling down on this article I’ve meant to write for approximately three weeks. While in the past, I’ve had decent excuses for not devoting a few hours to something I enjoy and am also good at, now I don’t really have one. There are only so many times you can scroll through the Chopped episode listings in search of one you haven’t watched yet before you start to feel pretty down on yourself. Plus, a lot of designers’ 2020 Fall/Winter collections were actually pretty special. Granted, it’s been approximately three weeks, so I’ve forgotten about most of them (I’m only human).

However, there were four particular shows that resonated with me pre-Covid-19 and still resonate with me today. So, I’m going to talk about them. Fair warning, none of these collections are for the faint of heart: they’re eccentric, intense, and even a bit grimy and scary. But they’re also youthful and thought-provoking and inspiring. You could say these designers channeled Bernie over Biden in their designs. But look at the world we’re living in – do we really need more well-tailored beige right now? No! We need revolution (and more hand sanitizer)! Desperate times call for desperate fashions, and personally? I’m here for it.

Gareth Wrighton

Because I am who I am, we’re starting out with the collection with the most shock value, which most certainly comes to us from an impish young British designer named Gareth Wrighton. Believe it or not, this man who used ketchup and mustard as a medium and designed a baseball tee that says “my other t-shirt’s a cum rag” is a Central St. Martin’s graduate!

His collection may have been small (he shared the nonprofit Fashion East‘s runway with four other more-wearable designers), but it certainly packed a clickbait-y punch. I mean, he opened his collection with the Shroud of Turin recreated from 344 used makeup wipes and a crown of thorns made of Cheetos, for God’s sake!

Obviously, you look at these images and don’t think “wearable” or even “nice,” but you can’t deny the innovation. Plus, if you strip away the stains and the beads and toy snakes, there’s something beautifully interesting in the craftsmanship and composition, especially the singlet paired with a sheer mesh sailor dress. Not to mention the abundance of hand-knit sweaters in this collection? That’s certainly not amateur hour.

I’m not necessarily going to look to this collection for inspiration in my own wardrobe, but let me tell ya, I love the chaos. It’s forward thinking and freaky and fun: three adjectives that I will always appreciate. I tip my devil horn balaclava to you, Gareth. Can’t wait to see more of you.

Ashley Williams

Next up in the queue is Ashley Williams, another young, London-based designer that I had no idea existed until last month. And let me tell you, it was love at first sight. Not to get too Manic Pixie Dream Girl (Aren’t I Quirky?) on you, but I love this collection because it reminds me of myself. Not how I dress, per se, but how I am, how I feel, and what I like. It’s reminiscent of the brightly-colored piles of junk and miscellaneous spider rings from the tops of cupcakes I accumulate around my apartment. If I’m a Pisces Sun, Scorpio Moon, and Aquarius Rising, I like to think that this collection is too.

I like these pieces so much, it’s almost laughable. Dobermans, miniskirts, meditation, acid green, tackily childlike aesthetics, and a hint of anarchy are all things that I will voluntarily tell you I enjoy if you get me rolling. Watching this show in the glow of my neon pink flamingo light was pure pleasure for me, like a lovely lucid dream.

Plus, so much of this collection is actually wearable! Especially this Shut Up belt buckle, which if you ask me is a much better investment than the black Gucci Belt every girl with $400 to spend has in her closet (for the record, I have neither a Gucci Belt in my closet nor $400 to spend). Williams’ black shift dress with the belly button cutout is beautiful simplicity that’s inclusive for the somewhat weird, and now that I kind of have actual abs (!!!) I want to wear it very badly. If I owned the green and black faux fur coat I would wear it everyday and also never acknowledge you lames again. Same goes for the Einstein tee.

To sum up, Ashley Williams designs for bratty little sisters who liked Bratz dolls and Badtz-Maru and always tricked out their cars with candy paint and big-ass spoilers when they played Need for Speed. In other words, she’s MY designer now. I know we’re in a pandemic-induced depression, but someone please buy me her clothes.

Balenciaga

Whether we’re self-quarantining in Digiorno pizza-stained boxer shorts or not, sometimes we need a little jolt. Enter the hauntingly apocalyptic Balenciaga runway (I highly recommend you watch the show if you like cool things). A month ago, the avant-garde design house drew attention to the fashion industry’s role in the impending doom of climate change by way of a flooded catwalk, fire-y skies, and vampiric models in extreme shoulder pads. The world was a scary place then, but look at how much worse it is now! Not to be insensitive, but maybe they should redo the show with some hazmat-inspired boiler suits and surgical masks.

Balenciaga is an established brand reputed for its outerwear, and it would be a waste of breath to argue or even defend the beauty and craftsmanship of this collection. They’ve got coats down. Oversized, dramatic silhouettes done well are standard practice for this designer. Thigh high boots, streetwear, and fetish-inspired pieces are the Spanish label’s first language, or at least have been in recent years. What’s NOT typical, however, are details like Hellraiser-esque spikes coming out from all directions, red contacts that make the male models look like member of the Volturi (what are their phone numbers?), and gown trains that glide over the water-soaked runway like they belong to the burning Earth themselves. BOOM. Noteworthy.

However, if you strip away the anxiety-inducing aspects of the show (i.e., most of it), you’re left with beautifully-crafted, wearable pieces that I will actually use as inspiration for my own wardrobe. Oversized coats and blazers are always a win in my book, and I love the sexiness and power that come with a strong, exaggerated shoulder. I’m also a big boot person, and would love to incorporate a pleather sock boot into my work-to-clubbin’ rotation (if I could find a pair in this green, it would be ideal). Same goes for skirts and dresses with extreme slits, which i’ve always been a little wary of in the past. But if this show taught me anything, it’s that the world is ending, you can show a little leg.

Maison Margiela

Mamma Mia! Eureka! Margiela! Could this be my favorite collection of all time? Quite possibly, or at least it’s my favorite collection of recent memory. I’m very obsessed with it. It’s warm and inviting but somehow unapproachable. It’s classic yet totally novel, haute in theory but with casual finishings (i.e., scotch tape straps for a backless gown).

This couture collection is totally whimsical but it kinda creeps me out at the same time. I risk showing my age by saying it gives me flashbacks of the very WTF! movie Nanny McPhee, but it totally does! In turn, I risk showing my personality by saying it’s reminiscent of the Mike Myers movie the Cat in the Hat, but that’s true as well. In other words, it reminds me a mid 2000s, highly-saturated fantasy landscape where at least someone on that catwalk is up to something. If I had to guess who, I’d put my money on this guy.

Le Maison Margiela really pulled out all the stops on this one, using recycled fabrics and atypical construction methods to achieve a collection both your kooky, artistic aunt and Tim Burton would surely approve of. The house turned out 47 beautiful looks consisting of well-tailored, rough-hewn coats, breathtaking backless gowns, and LOTS of little holes. My personal favorite aspect of the collection was the spattering of chunky trainers (equipped with the signature, hoof-like Tabi toe) which balanced out the most high-brow pieces; I love streetwear, dads, and centaurs, what can I say? It’s also perfectly accommodating for the Covid-19 crisis – I mean, look at all those gloves!

Well, this about wraps up the end of my Fashion Month Blog I Wasn’t Really Planning On Getting Around To (but aren’t you glad I did?). Now that I’ve officially “created something” during this quarantine, it’s back to Season 3 of the Sopranos and astral projecting for me. But before I go, I ask you to practice empathy always, especially in these uncertain times. Be well. Help others. Wash your hands. And go to YouTube and watch these four fashion shows. It’s not like you don’t have the time. X