Well, I’ve done it again. I’ve gone seven-something months without publishing an article, and full disclosure, the one I started writing three months ago got abandoned because get this, I didn’t want to do the research (boos from the crowd).
But hey, cut me some slack. I might be the first one to say this, but 2020 has been unprecedented. We’ve experienced a deadly pandemic, worldwide protests inspired by civil rights injustices on our home turf, a crushing economic and psychological depression, and a record turnout presidential election that luckily for literally the whole planet, had the right winner.
Plus, understandably, much of the fashion industry has slowed its pace if not come to a halt. Finding inspiring, real-world sartorial content is a challenge to say the least. Man Repeller, the fashion blog that inspired me to start my own, officially shuttered its digital doors last month. Also everyone is wearing sweatpants at all times – including myself at this exact moment – the fit is cute, okay?
It’s safe to say that we’re living in very serious, scary times. But as we roll in to the much-awaited, maybe false “clean slate” phenomenon of the new year, we have to manifest the same sense of hope, excitement, and joy we felt when the official election results popped up on our phones or when the news broke Trump had Covid. The vaccine is here and getting poked into the public’s fleshy biceps as we speak! Better, more fun times are ahead! You know, unless there’s a coup.
Since the world is nonsensical madness, I’m going to devote this article to the same. 2020 has shown us that anything, good or bad, can happen at any time. Unless you’re recent Supreme Court Appointee Amy Coney Barrett, you probably have no problem with hypotheticals, so without further ado, here are a few very unlikely pieces and ensembles I’ve fallen in love with this year, coupled with hypothetical situations I would wear them in. Because shit, looking at all that’s happened this never-ending hell year, you never know!
(I’ll keep it lighter than this intro, I promise. Also, fair warning, most of this is about movies and TV for obvious reasons).
Prada Menswaer fw19 – @virgodreamy 
Vereja – @_vereja_
Statement Sweaters
Reader, I know you’re likely either wearing old yoga pants covered in Cheez-it Crumbs or no pants at all. I see you, so feel seen. That’s why I’m easing you in with a little elevated comfort and present to you the Statement Sweater. In the sea of knitwear possibilities, these are a sweater island of their own. You wouldn’t wear them to lounge around the house, per-se, and you certainly wouldn’t wear them to a 9-5 office setting. Unless you’re my soulmate, you’re probably not gong to wear one on a first date. It’s hard to find a good occasion for a bold, graphic, texturally interesting handmade sweater, but when the timing’s right, boy, is it right. Do not get these confused with the “Ugly Sweater” craze of Macklemore yore. These are not ugly, they’re campy and most of the time can be totally sexy, exactly like Tim Curry in Rocky Horror.
Call me Contrary Mary, but I don’t necessarily view statement sweaters as “peacocking.” Yes you’ll get attention, but it’s well earned. You need genuine confidence to pull these off, and good ones generally reflect a real artistic eye. To achieve this look, you can pay over $500 for dreamy one-of-a-kind pieces like these or spend a few hours scouring vintage shops – just make sure you don’t wind up in 2013 Christmas Party Facebook album territory.
How I’d style it: slicked back hair, Nensi Dojaka tights, combat boots, gold hoops
Where I’d wear it (hypothetically): trying out a hip London Mexican restaurant with my new boyfriend Noel Fielding (he left his happy family for me but luckily his personality didn’t really change much from it)
@bellahadid for Vogue Japan
Big Hats
What part of hypothetical don’t you understand? Of course I’m not going to go out and buy a hat like this ten-gallon/top hat hybrid. Pharrell might, but sadly I’m simply not in a position to considering I don’t really have a thing for Steampunk cosplay and don’t want to get mugged. However, when Bella Hadid posted this cover for Vogue Japan, as well as a sexier shot on an inside page with a gorgeous layout, I was transfixed. WHAT a look. WHAT a concept. The masculinity of this very large, very gauche hat in contrast with the daintiness of the dress is artful, and the English Countryside meets Kinky Kawaii vibe is something I can’t stop thinking about.
How I’d style it: this exact look or nothing at all. Maybe a blazer.
Where I’d wear it (hypothetically): a Puritan lingerie party (think the Crucible) or if I was a quirky, endearing Anime character with like, a pet crow.
Very 90s School Uniforms
Despite debuting and being widely-celebrated in 2018, Derry Girls on Netflix is my most recent discovery on this list (we’re talking this week!). It’s a sitcom centered around five hysterical and difficult to understand friends going to Catholic School in war-torn Ireland, and it has singlehandedly revived mirth and joy and a sense of youthful purpose into my life. In the words of Matt Rogers from top-tier podcast Las Culturistas, if you’re not watching it, precious one? You are without!
As a flawless production, Derry Girls offers something other than consistent hilarity and a better understanding of the Ireland/England conflict: neatly-layered, Cranberries-era girls’ school uniforms. Now, maybe it’s the small-town Idaho public school girl in me or an overexposure to YA novels, but for some reason I’ve always yearned to be stuck in a school uniform (I’m talking tartan and blazers, NOT the hideous polos/tight khakis trend of the 2000s).
Besides being very obviously Ralph Lauren, the whole thing is low-maintenance and pretty androgynously sexy, and you never have to worry about getting unfairly dress-coded by the sexist system (if everyone’s oppressed, it’s okay!). Plus, the small amounts of individuality allowed by school uniforms somehow seems more meaningful than just picking out which tight Aeropostale tee to wear today. From little pins to the Derry Girls’ knee high socks paired with grungy oxfords and oversized hoops, school uniform accessories carry a lot of weight about who you are as a person and how easy you are to get with! Ay, to be a wain scoutin’ for a ride by the wee chippy again.
How I’d style it: claw-clipped hair with long, piecey bangs and maybe like, a Black Flag pin on my messenger bag. I’d also try to sneak some Dr. Martens by the nuns.
Where I’d wear it (hypothetically): studying for exams in a stately library or at a punk show in Brooklyn. Or Derry, duh.
DoreD
Pajamas as a Look
Readers, I’ll be frank. I’ll show my ass a bit. During Covid times, we’re all looking for ways to cope. For some people it’s baking bread and for some people it’s Qanon, but for me, it’s been watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Lots of it. I usually watch half an episode on my lunch breaks like my mom watched the Young and the Restless during my childhood (shout out Eileen Davidson, RHOBH cast member for 3 seasons).
For a show about wealthy women who shop constantly, the show has a surprising lack of looks excluding the occasional Erica Jayne glam-squad masterpiece (sorry girls and gays, they’re not all winners). Or, at least that was the case until Dorit Kemsley spent her birthday gambling and mending fences in Las Vegas in what I am going to definitively claim as one of my Top 3 Favorite Looks Of All Time: Bird of Paradise floral Gucci silk pajamas, styled with 5″ powder blue platforms and a matching headband tied like a Japanese sushi chef.
When she first came on the screen, I paused my TV for five minutes in total sobriety just to look at her. This look is so luxe, so fun, so comfortable, so unexpected (just like 2020, wink wink). Sadly, these particular perfect pajamas are just a tad out of my budget, but they can totally be recreated in a slightly less awesome way. I actually bought satin pajamas from Nasty Gal to try to channel my inner middle-class Dorit, but as is the case with clothes from Nasty Gal, they were expectedly cheap and tight and hideous (and are still sitting in my closet in their bag, unreturned). Someday, I’ll successfully pull off this look though, and I”ll get Dorit’s accent down as well.
How I’d style it: wouldn’t change a thing. Chunky, tall heels are a must so you don’t look like you’re sleepwalking.
Where I’d wear it (hypothetically): surprising my friends at Sunday brunch with a look that is completely and obviously superior to theirs.
Sheer Sparkles
Picture this: You’re between 11 and 14 years old. Snow is on the ground and your parents let you rent the Santa Clause 2 on DVD from the grocery store. The extended-family Christmas party and/or middle school holiday concert is coming up and it’s imperative you dress to impress, since you’re at the age where every single piece of media you seek out is about ultra rich teenagers that go to unrealistically glamorous parties. You’re given $40 to go to pre-bankruptcy JC Penney to pick out a glitzy polyester blouse or an itchy, sparkle-woven sweater. Sadly, you look nothing like a member of the Pretty Committee, but you think you do and it’s your biggest sartorial moment of the year. Yes, I’m talking about the Holiday Outfit™.
It’s been a long time since I’ve really given much thought to a Holiday Outfit™, because it’s been a while since I’ve attended an extended-family Christmas party and/or a middle school holiday concert. And let’s be frank, holiday parties in college were more about Wal-Mart Santa hats and showing as much B-cups as possible in 17 degree weather than they were about fashion.
Recently however, there’s been a resurgence in my desires to, comme on dit, Santa Baby It Up? Blame it on nostalgia or the near-assured drabness of a pandemic December, but I want to be FESTIVE again, damn it!**
Enter these sexy, somewhat seasonal pieces from Christopher Kane for inspiration. Their fluid shapelessness challenges any strip club stereotypes that come to mind when one thinks of sheerness and sparkles together. They’re an elegant, mature way to show some nip (19 year old Camille waiting in line for a Delta Tau Delta Christmas party, take notes). And not only could semi-sheer, sparkly, oversized garments be dressed-down (think Free People catalog styling) or dressed-up all year (think Kim Kardashian’s regular I’m-hot-and-my-hair’s-also-wet look), they’ll ensure you’re the best-dressed cousin at your socially-distanced Christmas brunch or whatever. Oh, and a spot on the NICE LIST.
How I’d style it: slicked back hair, nude bra (maybe), high-waisted leather cigarette pants, stiletto booties, and fine, gold jewelry. Maybe an oversized faux fur bomber jacket.
Where I’d wear it (hypothetically): laughing and pouring champagne into a pyramid of glasses in a Banana Republic holiday ad campaign, with my handsome husband in a fisherman’s sweater and our beautiful mixed-race children by our side
**Disclaimer: since I take a long time to write these posts, the holiday season came and went and I must confess, dear reader, that I did not wear a glamorous, sheer sparkled ensemble worthy of a CW teen drama or even a festive cocktail party. I wore black jeans. It’s Pandemic Christmas, cut me some slack (I’m already whipping myself for it, Da Vinci Code style). Christmas 2021 for sure.
Grey Sweatsuits
Reader, would you believe me if I told you that I have been watching lots of movies recently? From Paris, Texas to Boyz n the Hood to Superbad for the hundredth time, I have kept my sofa booked and busy! A recent and standout selection was the 2018 remake of the 1977 Italian horror film Suspiria, which is about a renowned (quite sapphic) interpretive dance studio in Communist Berlin, which turns out to be full of witches – no surprise there, Tilda Swinton runs it. Needless to say, I loved it.
The film was full of attention-grabbing scenes and gorgeous costuming but for me, the biggest takeaway (besides the post-viewing surge of Divine Feminine energy) was an an all-gray sweatsuit look that Dakota Johnson regularly wears throughout the movie. That’s right, ladies, gray sweats are not just for thirsty men anymore!
I’ve been a long-time proponent of monochromatic loungewear looks, and growing up my most-borrowed wardrobe item was an old grey crewneck from my mom, so this makes lots of sense. It’s not necessarily a hypothetical outfit; I’m wearing something very similar as I type this. But something about seeing Ms. Johnson wearing this could-be-considered-frumpy, Covid-friendly outfit before making actual magic with her body opened my eyes to all its possibilities. Now, when I put on my mom’s gray crewneck with grey sweatpants (no, the tones do not exactly match, sue me), the world is my oyster. Am I an artist? A dancer? A witch? Or am I just watching the All Star season of America’s Next Top Model while drinking Trader Joes’ Peppermint Tea?
I’ll take All of The Above for $600, Alex (R.I.P.).
How I’d style it: fresh face with dad sneakers, Ugg boots, or barefoot.
Where I’d wear it (hypothetically): dancing sensually on the wooden floor of a dance studio, unknowingly breaking the bones of one of my disillusioned classmates in a mirror-lined dungeon by doing so. Or, you know, right now in my apartment.
Tabi Boots
Once upon a time, let’s say June of 2020, a young, single woman named Camille opened her banking app to find a surprise deposit of $1,200 (before taxes) from a tall, sexy, flamboyantly dressed, Daniel Day Lewis lookalike -Uncle Sam himself! Despite the fact that this one-time pandemic relief stimulus check’s amount was insufficient to cover one month’s rent for many Americans, it was a very welcome gift for Camille, because contrary to what many may assume from her impeccable table manners and couture-catered interests, she is not rich. She is employed full-time at a good job, and is very lucky for that (especially this year), but she is not rich. In fact, the somewhat less than $1,200 was the largest amount of random money that she had ever received!
Okay, back to first person.
Now, I could have been wise and allotted this money towards my future – savings or travel or bill pay, etc. – but instead, I immediately pulled up the Maison Margiela website and began shopping for Tabi boots. That’s right, Tabi boots: the hoof-toed footwear that’s been the fashion house’s calling card/raison d’etre since its first appearance on the runway in 1988. Coming in at about $990, a simple pair of black leather, cloven-toe ankle boots was going to be my Stimulus Purchase, a #treatyourself moment that would not only serve as a metaphorical life raft for 2020, but would grace my wardrobe and instill fear in the hearts of evangelicals on the street for decades to come. I couldn’t wait.
Until, at least, the worst thing in the world (reality) set in. I was attempting to scroll the Margiela website on an eight-year old, somewhat sticky laptop with approximately an hour of battery life and at least two viruses. Plus, I sent a picture of the shoes to my beloved mother, who said something along the lines of “you’re joking” and “those are hideous.” She’s wrong there. But she’s correct that they would’ve been an irresponsible purchase. Plus, I don’t think it’s the right time. Tabi Boots are made for walkin’, but probably not in Spokane, Washington.
Someday I’ll have my Tabis, and lots of other things I want too, but in the meantime, I spent my Donny bucks (barf) on a lovely new, high-speed, virus-free laptop on which I’m writing this post for you. You’re welcome.
How I’d style it: Oh God, with everything. But predominately with a white tank top and jeans.
Where I’d wear it (hypothetically): When I’m more of who and where I want to be. Or if Mitch McConnell like, slips into a coma and we get another stimulus check. My fingers are crossed – 2021, here’s looking at you.